When Life Gives You Emmett
by Porcelain Face
Summary: What happens when Edward mysteriously isn't with Bella when she wakes up? Bella is stuck with Emmett for a WHOLE day. It can't be so bad- Emmett's harmless, right? My first fanfic- read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Bella P.O.V**

I rolled over in my bed, knowing that Edward would be lying by my side, patiently waiting for me to awaken. But instead of rolling on top of my vampire fiancee, I landed on the hard wood flooring of my empty bedroom. "Owwwwwwwww!" I hit my head on my nightstand on the way down. THAT was going to leave a mark. As I staggered upwards, the fact that Edward was not here puzzled me. Where was he?! Last night he told me that Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie were going hunting, but surely he hadn't gone too?

5 Minutes later

After almost having a panic attack from wondering where Edward was, and after frantically searching every inch of my room for a clue, I found my answer: he had left me a very small note, pinned on my closet door.

"Sorry to leave on such short notice, love. I will explain everything later, I promise. Emmett will come pick you up shortly and take you to the house. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Eternally yours,

Edward

My heart slowed down to a human pace as I finally had some closure, but then anxiety quickly took over as I wondered what was happening. That anxiety turned into fear and annoyance as I wondered what Emmett had in plan for me today. I quickly grabbed my bathroom bag and took a shower, then combed out the tangled mess my hair had become. I ran downstairs and slowly ate a bowl of cereal, dreading what was coming to pick me up at any moment. I heard a heavy and rapid knocking on the front door, and with a sigh, I knew Emmett had arrived. I strolled over to the door, which was about to give way due to the heavy pounding, and opened it to find a grinning Emmett towering over me on my doorstep.

"Well hello Bella! Long time, no see!" he exclaimed, ruffling my previously tame hair carelessly.

"Hello, Emmett. Give me a second to brush my teeth, then I'll be right down." I slowly went up to the bathroom, brushing my teeth with exaggerated slowness to prolong the torture that awaited me. I didn't even want to begin to think of what Emmett had in store for me today. When I heard a loud "BANG!", followed by a thunder-like crash, I rushed downstairs (tripping several times on the way down) to see what had just almost caused me to have a heart attack. Emmett had a very sheepish and childlike expression on his face, as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"What..did...you...do..!?" I asked very cautiously. My heart was thundering in my chest.

"Well...you see, you were taking FOREVER doing whatever you were doing, so I decided to watch some t.v. while I waited for you. Umm...well, I was practicing my, err, baseball swing on the way over to the t.v. when, umm, well, you see- I kind of accide-"

"EMMETT!! YOU BROKE CHARLIE'S T.V.!" And sure enough, Charlie's old 29 inch t.v. lay in pieces, sparks flying, on the living room floor. "What are we going to do?" I whined and screamed, furius, my head spinning.

"Gee Bella, I said I was sorry! Sheesh! It's no big deal, we'll just go buy him another!"

"Hmm...yeah, that would be a good idea- except for the fact that that t.v. is over 20 years old and we won't be able to get one like it anywhere in Forks! Charlie got that t.v. as a wedding gift when he married Renee... he is going to kill me!" I honestly had no idea how we were going to fix this problem. Charlie would be so mad he would turn purple in seconds, and would probably try to slip some rat poison into my dinner when I wasn't looking. He was always bragging about how the picture was still good, how out cable never went out, and how he had indeed gotten that t.v. as a wedding gift at his and Renee's wedding, and was never going to get rid of it!

"Please, Bella, there is an easy answer to fix the problem." He looked far too smug for his idea to lead to anything good.

"And that is?"

And in a tone that I swore could only belong to Alice, he exclaimed, "We're so totally going television shopping!"

With that, he drug me out the door, and we were on our way to whatever hell he was taking me to.

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R&R!

Suggestions/criticisms? If I get 5 reviews I will post chapter 2!

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	2. Chapter 2

**Bella P.O.V**

Forks had no, in Emmet's words, "Flipping AWESOME electronic gadget places". So instead, we opted for heading towards Port Angeles to one of Emmett's favorite electronic stores. I was still fuming and excessively worried the whole way to Port Angeles. Emmett's driving had me constantly on the edge of my seat. Emmett also excessively tried to apologize to me for killing Charlie's t.v., and then decided that maybe I just needed some cheering up. No matter how much I tried to ignore him, how much I tried to pretend that he wasn't here and that the t.v. back at Charlie's was in perfect condition, he would NOT stop trying to so-called "cheer me up"! At first, he sang. He sang and sang and sang, then sang some more.

"Touch my bodeeeeeeeey

Put me on the floor!!

Wrestle me around-

Play with me some MORE!!

Touch my bod-ay

Throw me on 'da bed!

I just wanna make you feel

Like you never did!

Touch my body

Let me wrap my thighs

All around your waist-"

"EMMETT CULLEN! ENOUGH! NOT ANOTHER WORD! NO ONE WANTS TO TOUCH YOUR BODY!!"

"Hey now, that's not what Rosie said last night! She said that in fact-"

Knowing where this was going, I had to stop him immediately before he unfolded his love life to me in front of my very eyes. "STOP! OKAY! NO MORE!" The though of what he was about to tell me about made me almost lose my breakfast!

"But, really, I-"

"Emmett, NO MORE TALKING. NO MORE." I was beyond frustration. Everything came crashing down on me at once, and those angry tears that I hated so much began to run down my cheeks ever so slowly. All was quiet, except for my random and quiet sniffles.

"Okay, fine. HEY BELLA, YOU WANNA HEAR A JOKE? Have you heard about that new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!" His booming laughter in response to his pathetic joke made the windows rattle. When I didn't respond, and accidentally sniffled again, he reached for the glove box.

"Bella? I have some Kleenex if you need to blow your- wait, uhh...erm, are you crying?" His expression was one of surprise.

"No!" I muffled. Dang it! I thought he hadn't noticed.

"Bella, don't be silly. Don't cry! Was my singing THAT bad? And the joke, c'mon, it was HIL-ARRRRRRRIOUS!!" He looked genuinely worried yet slightly silly at the same time. I couldn't help but laugh at his remark.

"No, Emmett, it wasn't your singing. I'm sure you'd give Mariah a run for her money. And the joke, Arrrrrrrrren't you so funny..." I really wished I could stop crying. My voice cracked during my pathetic attempt to sound okay. Tears were leaking very slowly, but they were leaking none the less. I couldn't stop myself.

"Well...then...I'm no guru when it comes to women, I mean, sure, I can make Rosie practically scream when-"

"EMMETT..." I said quickly yet threateningly. I did not want to hear about his and Rosalie's private life.

"Sheesh! Relax! Okay. Simple question- why are you crying? Please don't tell Edward if I made you cry- He will KILL me!"

I sighed. "No...it's just that everything that has happened today just came crashing down on me as I thought about it. I mean, I wake up to find Edward missing. There has been some strange family emergency, he had to leave, our plans for today are ruined. Then Charlie's beloved t.v. is broken by my large bear-like vampire brother-in-law- to be. I guess I'm just a little worried and stressed." It felt good, but strange, to talk about my worries. Good because talking usually helped me to de-stress. Weird, because I was revealing my feelings to Emmett of all people...

"Hmm. Yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, I have no idea why your dear little Eddie left either. I haven't gotten any calls, though. So I'm sure they are all fine and dandy! Maybe Edward just had to relieve some of his built up tension pertaining to-"

"Yeah, you can stop your conversation right there. Thanks." Seriously, when was our relationship of any importance to him? It was none of his business. But I did appreciate his concern.I had stopped crying by now, when I noticed a large and busy looking blue, white, and yellow building up ahead.

"Fine, okay. I'll stop. And by the way, we have arrived! BEHOLD, ISABELLA SWAN, THIS...IS...BEST BUY!!" He pridefully roared out his dramatic introduction.

If only I knew what kind of tortures I was about to endure, I would have stayed in the car instead of eagerly getting out of it!

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Okay! So, that was chapter 2. I know things are going a little slowly so far...but the next chapter should be better! Thanks for the reviews you all gave me..my first reviews! yay!


	3. Chapter 3

**Emmett P.O.V**

"THIS...IS...BEST BUY!" I exclaimed. My dramatic introduction surely wouldn't prepare Bella for all of the fun I was about to have with her once we were inside. I mean, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Best Buy. Next to Rose, it's my second wife. I could just browse and buy the cool stuff here ALL day! But with Bella here, instead of shopping, my goal was to not only buy Charlie another t.v., but to embarrass her at least 5 times. Or that's a good starting goal I suppose!

She looked petrified when she saw how bright my eyes must have been shining. Crap! I hope she wasn't guessing at what I have planned. But the look of fear and worry on her face reassured me that my plans were still golden and perfectly safe. I decided to make my move.

Grabbing her hand, I exclaimed loudly and joyfully "Honey! We're here! Ready to shop for fun stuff for the room? And I know what you're thinking- get your mind out of the gutter girl! I mean a new t.v. for the master bedroom of course!" A look of complete shock and embarrassment crossed Bella's face. She blushed a bright tomato red- no, redder than a tomato! Score- 1 point for Emmett!

"EMMETT," she frantically whispered, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??" Wow, this was priceless! Although I think I almost embarrassed her a little too much..the red color wasn't leaving her face. Hmm, make that 2 points instead, not 1!

"That was for you saying my singing was bad- 2 points for me!" I smirked. Haha! We'll see who dogs on me next time I belt out a tune!

"Unbelievable! You are un-be-lievable! I cannot believe you just said that! If I wouldn't break my hand I would slap you!" Uh-oh...she looked REALLY mad. Like, almsot as mad as Rose can be sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't have gone so far...

"Fine. Let's go to the t.v. section, ...honey!" Before she could snap at me again, I took her hand and drug her quickly toward the t.v. section. She was at a loss for words. She blushed again, but not brightly enough to give me another point. Dang it!

"Now, Charlie had a measly, what, 10 inch?"

"29!" She retorted.

"Yeah, well, BORING! Let's get him that 65 inch plasma over there!"

"No way Emmett! He will totally be suspicious! I have to make it look like I bought it! Or, I could just tell him that Emmett, the biggest and scariest of the Cullen brothers, came into HIS house to drag me away to an unknown destination. And that YOU broke his t.v. I'm sure THAT would go over really well with him!" She had a point, I suppose.

"Fine." I quickly looked around for a salesman- scratch that, a salesWOMAN, to help us find an old-as-dust looking television. "Miss? Can you help my wife and I?" Sure enough, Bella turned almost a shade of purple - even better than red! Two more points to me! A fairly attractive redhead came running up to us, looking awestruck, or as dearest Eddie would say, "dazzled".

"H-hello, my name is...uh, Amanda. How can I help you?" She looked nervous. Hmm. I should work my looks to my advantage here.

"Well, Amanda," I said in as sultry of a voice I could muster- not to mention I flashed her a smile for extra credit- "my wife and I (Bella blushed to a whole new shade of red- 2 more points!) broke our old t.v. last night while having some fun. So, to not hurt the person who gave it to us's feeling, we need to replace it with one just like it." Her eyes were bugging out of her skull. I could swear I saw a bead of sweat running down the girl's forehead!

"Yes, well, what kind of t.v. was it? What did it look like?" Her voice was shaky. Sweet! I am a seduction god! Bella gave her the answer faster than I could-

"Well, my klutzy hubby was trying to "dance" for me, if you get what I mean, Amanda, and he knocked it over and shattered it. It was an old Sony color 29 inch." She looked smug. Wow, she's trying to fight back? Two can play at this game, and I will without a doubt win!

"...No honey, I broke the t.v. stand. YOUR pole is what fell over and broke the television. End of discussion." I was about to burst out laughing- all I could do to control myself was to force her into verbal submission with my eyes. I gave her a look that could kill. I clearly won, because all was quiet for a few seconds.

"Fine, but the pole wouldn't have fallen and broken the t.v. if YOU hadn't "danced" on it. Shall I go on and let Amanda know what move you tried to do for me that broke it, or will you shut up and continue looking for a t.v.?" Oh..no..she..didn't. I was about to give back an epic retort that would shut her up for good, but I caught a glance at Amanda. Her face was beet red, she was trying to look away, and for some reason I came to the conclusion that she wouldn't help us if we didn't actually try to find a t.v. instead of arguing about our imaginary incident.

"Amanda, my deepest apologies about our little argument. Sony color 29 inch- have any thing that resembles it?" My attempt to sound seductive worked; she was eating out of the palm of my hand once again.

"Hmm. T-this way please!" She stumbled and trotted over to the t.v. section. Bella, looking triumphant, grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, "THAT was for calling me wife. 2 points for me!" I never knew she could fight back. Eddie usually always comes to her rescue. I will have to get her back, and get her back good later today. For now, t.v. shopping was the most important thing to get done.

"Okay," Amanda said, "there are a select few choices. Dynex and Samsung carry a 20 and 24 inch tube t.v. Other than that, you could buy a 37 inch projection t.v. But that's about it..."

"Me and my WIFE are going to talk this over, we'll be right back..." giving her a reassuring smile, Bella and I went a few feet away.

"Price isn't an issue for me- I say we get the 37 inch. Or, like I suggested earlier, the 65 inch plasma." Bella nodded her head to the 37 inch, but almost choked when I brought up the plasma.

"The 37 inch will work. NO PLASMAS. This has to look like something I could afford, and something I would pick out. Let's buy it." And with that,we went over to Amanda and told her of our choice. She wanted to have 2 male employees carry my box up to the front, but I just took it instead. It weighed pretty much the same as a feather would, to me, at least. Bella gave me a people-are-going-to-be-suspicious look, so I pretended to have a bit of a harder time carrying it. I paid for the t.v., along with a new digital camera and a c.d. I picked out for Eddie and dearest Bella (Bella had no idea that I bought them- but she would sure as Hell find out later! YEAH!) we loaded it in the jeep, then got in the car and began to head back to Forks.

"Bella- a POLE? I had to "break" the t.v with a stripping pole?I don't think I can ever go back to that Best Buy again."

"Good." She smiled. Oh, was her head big right not! Not for long, dear Bella! You just wait!

The drive to her home was silent- I didn't use my fantastic voice to sing at all. But the cogs in my brain, however, were turning.

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Muhahaha...just wait and see what he does with the camera and c.d. later! And Edward WILL call withing the next two chapters. Thanks for the reviews, I feel the love! Will trry to have chap. 4 up in a day or so!


	4. an

Author's Note- Sorry it's not chapter 4! I am really in a rut as to where to take the story next! I have a few drafts written- I'll try to finish up chapter 4 as soon as I can! Sorry about the delay /


	5. Chapter 4

Thanks to Trinity Brooks, I got thinking, and figured out the problem I was having! Here is chapter four!

**Bella P.O.V**

I'm glad Emmett was quiet on the way home. He seriously embarrassed me and made me VERY angry back at Best Buy! I hope he truly can never show his face there again! It was kind of strange, though, the quiet ride home. I was expecting that he would tease me to no end about how he had made me turn five shades of red at once, but then again, I think I won the argument. So he kept his mouth shut during the whole ride home! It made me nervous- what was he thinking about? I know I was sure thinking of revenge. And revenge was definitely a served dish in my plan.

Emmett pulled his monstrous jeep into Charlie's driveway. He had a little yellow bag around his wrist. This was definitely getting to be very fishy. "Emmett? What is that?" I said, pointing to the bag that was dangling from his arm.

"I bought a new camera for myself. Rose broke my old one last night when she-"

"STOP!" I screamed. I could take no more of his "stories".

"-got mad at me...she snapped it in half. Gee, stop thinking dirty thoughts! I am not a perv.!" He faked an appalled face. It was so fake and funny looking that all I could do to stop myself from bursting out laughing was to think of how mad he had made me at Best Buy.

"Sure, sure. Let's go ahead and get the new t.v. set up. I've already figured out how we can tell him- we can tell him over dinner at your house! Seeing as Edward will hopefully be back, and you will be the only other person there, he won't explode with rage in front of my fiancee and my future brother-in-law. Sound good to you?"

"Yeah, fine, but Bella, I don't eat human food. And I can't not eat in front of your father. Think about that?"

"Yes" I exclaimed, "I did. Edward never eats in front of him either. I'll just tell him that we ate on the way home." Or so Emmett would think I told him. But what I would really tell Charlie is that we hadn't eaten all day, and that we were ravenous with hunger. My plan was coming together rapidly, and I was reveling in every evil idea that I was planning. This was going to be fantastic!

"Okay. Open the door for me, I'm getting the t.v. I can do it all rather quickly if you want to go up in your room and call your father." Emmett looked smug. Far too smug. But all he was doing was replacing my t.v., right? I decided to go with the flow and dismiss his strange behavior.

"Sure. I'll be upstairs."

**Emmett P.O.V**

Clueless. One of the many adjectives I would use to describe dearest Bella. She thought she beat me at my own game in Best Buy? She seriously thinks I will let her get away with that? No. HELL NO! I am NOT going down without a fight! In fact, I'm not going down at all... I walked into the living room with the t.v, then quickly set it down quietly- ever so quietly- on the floor. The coast was clear- Bella was in her room, with her door shut. With nonhuman speed I whipped out my brand new digital camera and began snapping shots of the crushed t.v. I got it from all angles. every shattered piece of it. This was going to be great! This, paired with some other older pictures Edward had taken, was going to become one of the coolest pranks I have ever pulled. Although I doubt Edward would speak to me for quite some time, the fact that I pulled this off will be enough to keep me entertained. I snapped a few more shots, put my new camera away, and set up the new t.v.

**Bella P.O.V**

Ha! Emmett sure was in for some embarrassment and fear. Dinner wouldn't be very pleasant for him. Not pleasant at all. I ran upstairs, picked up my phone, and called Charlie's office.

"Hello, Chief Swan, how may I help you?"

"Hey Dad" I said cheerfully, "What's up?"

"Oh" He said briefly with relief, "Not much. Umm..err, is something wrong? You never call me at work. Are you okay?" He sounded weary. I laughed in my head. I was far, far better than okay at the moment.

"I'm fine Charlie, honestly. I'm not dying or anything. I just wanted to know if you could come over for dinner tonight at the Cullen's house? Edward and his older brother Emmett will be there, and the rest of the Cullen's thought it would be a good idea for you to get a tour of the house." I was really excited, and I suppose my excitement shone through to Charlie, because he replied:

"Well..what the heck Bells, sure. There isn't a game tonight, and I haven't really seen Edwin's family's place."

"EDWARD, Dad, not Edwin." I reminded him.

"Yeah, sorry, it's been a long day. Do I, uhh, need to bring anything?" From the tone in his voice, I could tell he definitely did not want to have to swing by the store on the way.

"Nope, I've got it under control. You know where they live, right? Come by around 6:30, okay?"

"Sure Bells, I'll be there. See ya soon."

"Okay Dad, bye.

"Bye."

Everything would hopefully go smoothly. All I needed now was for Edward to call. And at that precise moment, the phone rang. It didn't even get to finish one "RING" before I snatched it up with lightning speed, hoping it would be...

"Bella, I'm sorry I haven't called, there was an accident about 5 miles from where everyone was hunting! A bad accident at that. A husband and wife that were camping in the mountains were attacked by a mountain lion- the initial attack was pretty much fatal. Carlisle called me to come help, seeing as I've been to medical school and could help him get the situation under control. Jasper was having an extremely hard time controlling himself- it took Alice, Rosalie, and Esme to hold him back and take him away. When I got there, Carlisle had already called an ambulance. The wife was in worse shape than the husband. It was horrible. The EMT's didn't think that they would make it to the hospital alive, but by a miracle, they did. Carlisle is there now, and everyone else is staying at a hotel not far from here. They are going to be heading back tomorrow morning." He sounded tired and stressed.

"Wow, Edward, that is crazy! I'm glad you got there in time. Are they going to make it?" I couldn't imagine how horrid the scene must have been. Thinking of all that blood made me sway and feel slightly nauseous.

"The chances are extremely slim...only time will tell. They are in good hands, though- Carlisle knows a few of the doctors at the hospital, and they are supposedly very experienced with all kinds of accidents. So my day has been pretty...interesting, for lack of a better word. I miss you. How was your day? Will I regret leaving you with Emmett?" he chuckled darkly. I decided to go ahead and give him the full story.

"Well, my day didn't involve any life-saving. Emmett broke Charlie's t.v., so we had to go to Port Angeles to get another one. I'm still coming up with a story to tell to Charlie about what happened..."

"He did WHAT?" he sounded furious. "How did he break it? Let me talk to him RIGHT NOW." Wow, Emmett had it coming for him.

"EMMMMETTTTTTTT! Pick up the phone! You have a call!" I was smiling, this was going to be good. I walked carefully downstairs to see the look on Emmett's face.

"Hello? Who's thi- oh, Eddie! How are you, brother dearest? What? Yeah, umm..well, I was practicing for the game that we're gonna play on Thursday...and I swung a little too hard and knocked it over...hey, stop yelling! What? NO!! We got another at Best Buy...yeah. If you're just going to yell at me, save it for later. I have work to do. Yeah, I said I'm sorry. Fine. Yeah, whatever." Emmett motioned for me to take the phone and lumbered back over to setting up the new t.v.

"Sorry, Bella, but I can not believe he broke Charlie's t.v.! He's going to pay for it in more ways that just by money. Did he do anything else that was inappropriate or embarrassing?"

"Well, he pretended to be my husband in Best Buy and tried to embarrass me, but I beat him at his own game. Can you possibly come home tonight? I invited Charlie over for a tour of your house and for dinner- I know it was kind of wrong for me to assume that it would be okay, but I need some revenge on Emmett and closure from Charlie...Besides, I miss you as well." As pathetic as it was, after less than 24 hours, I missed him terribly. I seriously need therapy.

"He pretended to be your husband? I can't begin to imagine what he did...ugh, I'll talk to him later. Mi casa es tu casa, Bella. I'm glad you took the incentive to invite Charlie over. He needs to see that you're not being married into a household of vampires or something," he laughed his musical laugh. "I'll be there in about 4 hours. I love you, and I'll see you soon!"

"I love you too. Forever." I said

"Forever." He replied. I hung up the phone, and mentally began to go through a list of possible dinners I could make at the Cullen's. Fish? No, we eat that too often. It was too hot for soup, and too hot for something heavy like lasagna. I was in the mood for Italian, though, so I decided on Chicken Parmesan. I hope Emmett likes Italian...

"Bella!" His voice sang, "Charlie's new t.v. is officially installed. Although I wish we would have gone with the 65 inch plasma, I'm sure he will be pleased. Am I forgiven? Eddie already gave me enough lip about breaking this t.v.'s great-grandfather. Pfft, he's probably just mad because he could relate to the thing, age wise at least. Although I think that t.v. had probably seen more action that he has..."

"Emmett, as long as Charlie is okay with his new t.v. and is not mad at me, I could care less. Now can we go to the grocery store? I have to get some ingredients for dinner." I ignored his comment about Edward. Truth is, as long as I made Emmett squirm later tonight, I could care less about the t.v.

"Grocery shopping? I've never been grocery shopping.."

_Kill me now_.

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Hehe, Grocery shopping! And Emmett's never been! :) This story is about to get very interesting... R&R!


	6. Chapter 5

**I'm not Stephanie Meyer...although I wish I was!**

First off, thank you for all of the reviews! Not one of them has been mean! They are all so encouraging and kind. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate them! In this chapter, the point of views will change a few times. I'll try to keep it to a minimum, but I want you all to see the shoppping trip both ways. This is part 1. That way you all can fully understand what is/about to take place. Enjoy!

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**Bella P.O.V**

Dear. God.

"Emmett..you ARE joking, right?" This had better be some lame joke. I was on the verge of hysterics! There was no way I was taking him along if he had never been...I can't even begin to imagine what he would do when he saw cans of Easy Cheese, or worse, beer!

"Uhh...is that a problem or something? I've been instructed by Eddie to not let you out of my sight so...let's go!" He seemed excited. Relaxed. Secretive. He was keeping something from me.

"Promise me you will not do anything stupid. Promise me right now or I won't take you along! Promise me Emmett!"

"Fine! I promise! I'm not a barbarian! It's not like I'm going to go through the store knocking things down or anything. We are on a mission to get dinner, not play around. So, I promise" He was grinning. Why?

"Emmett, why are you keeping something from me? I can see it in your eyes- there is something going on in your pea-sized brain!" I had to know. And he WAS going to tell me!

With a look of pure innocence, and also a look of shock and hurt, he replied, "What? Bella, it hurts me to think that you would think I would try to harm you in any way. What happened at Best Buy was all in good fun- I have no secret plan, not freaky covert mission. I'm not trying to pull one over on you!"

This was extremely weird. But I honestly didn't think that he was lying...he seemed so sincere. But vampires can be good liars- they've had years of practice! I refused to fully believe him, but I would lead him on. After all, it's not like I wasn't being secretive.

"Okay Emmett, I'm sorry I doubted you. I believe you. Not let's go, I want to start cooking by 5:00." Well, I was still suspicious, but I wouldn't let him know that. I was going to keep my mouth shut and observe.

**Emmet P.O.V.**

I had my fingers crossed the whole time- this was like stealing candy from, well, not a baby...something easier. A fetus! Stealing candy from a fetus! Although I don't think fetuses like candy. Call me 007, because I'm on a mission! The objective? FRAME EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN. And Bella has no idea... I need some war paint!

**Bella P.O.V**

We were off. As we pulled out of the parking lot, Emmett had a straight face. It didn't look like he was thinking up any evil plans, but then again, looks are deceptive. I felt bad about how silent our last little ride home together was, so I tried to make pleasant conversation.

"So Emmett, you say you've never been to a grocery store. Doesn't Esme buy human food once a month or something to not rouse suspicion? Haven't you ever gone with her out of curiosity?"

"Hah! Yeah, Esme goes. I've never gone because I can't imagine how bad that place smells! I mean, human food is disgusting! Quite frankly, it smells like crap! Not to mention Rose and I always have something better to do, if you catch my drift Bella..." Once again, the sexual innuendo was enough to gag me. But I was going to take my chance about the whole food thing while I still had the option to bring my question up.

"It smells disgusting? It actually smells pretty good. Have you ever even tasted it? Or can you?" I made my voice sound light and nonchalant. He SO took the bait!

"Eww, yes, Jasper dared me to eat some sausage once. It was nasty! Not to mention eating human food results in being really sick. I puked my guts out for hours after eating one sausage. It was disgusting! It almost tasted better on the way back up!" Reliving the old memories caused Emmett to become even whiter than he already was- this was going to be perfect! Emmett is 6"5. And he looks to weigh somewhere around 270 pounds. With the portion I'd be giving him at the dinner table tonight, he'd never bring up the subject of human food EVER again.

Just as I was allowing my thoughts to float to a puking Emmett, we pulled into the parking lot. Was that a smile I saw on his face? The realization hit me that Emmett had lied- why had I even pretended to believe him? Why had my brain faltered? More importantly, WHAT HAD I DONE?

"Come on Bells! We've got some shopping to do!" He was openly grinning now. I was going to be sick. Easy Cheese, Beer, tampons, this was going to be a disaster! I was panicking. My heart was racing. Emmett stopped dead in his tracks. He looked quickly at my heart, then my face, then he grinned, and said,

"What's first on the list?" I handed him the rain-stained list:

_1 egg_

_1/2 cup Shredded Parmesan Cheese_

_1/4 cup dry bread crumbs_

_1 teaspoon Italian seasoning_

_4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves_

_1/4 cup olive oil_

_1/4 cup Shredded Mozzarella Cheese_

_1 (9 ounce) package linguine_

_1 3/4 cups marinara sauce, heated_

_1 bag Romaine lettuce_

_1 box croutons_

_1 bottle Ceasar dressing_

"Wow, okay, what do you wanna get first? I vote cheese!" WHY DID HE LOOK SO EXCITED?! If he was trying to scare me, it was working!!

"Yeah, cheese, okay, let's go!" I was on the verge of having a heart attack as we entered the store.

"You know what Bella? It's getting late. We can do this a lot faster if we split up. I'll get the cheese, chicken, oil, and bread crumbs if you'll get the other stuff. Besides, I gotta get some stuff me me and Rosie! And I'm sure you don't want to help me pick out that "stuff"." I turned around and began to pace.

"Uhh, No, that's not a good idea! You've never been! Do you know what olive oil is? You don't know where it's at! Can't your shopping wait?" No way was I letting him out of my sight! But when I turned around, HE WAS GONE!

"EMMETT! EMMETT! Where did you go? Come back here this instant!" I was panicking! I heard a booming laugh, followed by,

"Go shopping Bella, I'll meet you in 15 minutes at the checkout line!"

**Emmett P.O.V**

Yada yada yada, that's all I hear when women talk. Blah blah blah blah blah. She was trying to talk me out of going off on my own. But this was a new adventure for me, and dang it, I was going to enjoy my mission! I covertly slipped away without her notice, told her to go get her shopping done, and pulled out my own very tiny shopping list:

_1 large brown envelope- the kind you see in CIA movies that hold incriminating pictures or evidence_

_1 package expensive looking paper_

_1 package paper clippy things_

_1 permanent marker_

_1 pen_

_WAR PAINT, HUZZAH!_

IT'S ON, BELLA!

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Well, how was it? I really want to go into detail with the shopping trip, so I'm splitting it into two chaps.! R&R! Also, any suggestions?


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephanie Meyer, although I wish I was :)**

* * *

**Bella P.O.V**

He had promised me! And then he had flat-out lied, right to my face! I could not believe that he had run off like a bad child would from their mother! UGH! I don't think I could find him now even if I wanted to- the store was packed, because everyone was just getting off of work, rushing to buy dinner for their families at home. Now, more than ever, I am reassured that he is, in fact, up to NO good! But I wasn't about to let him ruin MY plans. I grinned at the thought of Emmett's face when he saw what I, and Charlie, would expect him to scarf down. With that happy thought, I trod off towards the chicken aisle, anxiously looking around for and whispering for Emmett. He has to be here somewhere! After I got the 4 largest chicken breasts they had, I got all of the seasonings. But on my way to get the Parmesan cheese, a saw a big blur tumble into the aisle to the left of me. Could it be? Snapping my head around, I saw no one in the aisle. That was wierd...and disappointing. I was going to KILL him!

**Emmett P.O.V**

Oh, Bella was gonna get it! She may not have her nice chat with Charlie until later tonight, but I will be close by to hear her squirm. She will hopefully want to kill me! I had already searched for war paint, but I couldn't find any. So I found some plain acrylic paint instead, and painted the stripes beneath my eyes with it. Holding my hands in the "gun" position, I crouched down and began moving towards destination 1: THE ARTS AND CRAFTS/SCHOOL SUPPLY AISLE! On my way, I caught a glimpse of Bella. CRAP! I did a perfect forward somersault-thing, just like Sam Fisher in Splinter cell, one of my favorite video games, does. She didn't see me! That was awesome, I hereby award myself 10 points!

I slowly made my way over towards the aisle. Surely it would contain the loot I so desperately seeked. I saw a giant brown envelope, which I quickly snatched and put into my basket. There were also pens and paper in the aisle, which was good and convenient. As I turned the corner to go into the next aisle, I guess I turned a little too quickly because I knocked a bunch of bottles of water over. The crash was extremely loud- ABORT MISSION! With inhuman speed I somersaulted straight towards the next aisle- it was clear, and I was safe. The bottles of water were rolling all over the floor as some geeky worker with terrible acne rushed to the scene of my crime. He tried to pick up more that 2 in one hand, which caused him to drop the bottles and simultaneously trip and fall right on his butt. I laughed really loudly- that was hilarious! He was still trying to get up! I guess I shouldn't have laughed so loudly, because Bella most likely heard me. I turned around and quickly ran through the aisle and into the next, aisle 8, "Feminine Hygiene".

Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I had just seen.

Boxes.

Tons and tons of boxes.

Boxes, bags, everything. Blue, pink, purple, green, yellow- colors didn't matter. This was Hell!

Inside of the little boxes and bags were little things labeled "tampons", even though they looked like mini-torpedoes. Inside of the bags were diapers. That was weird- didn't they belong in the baby aisle? But upon further inspection, I found out that these things were called "pads". With my horror came realization- I almost let out a blood-curdling scream (I had to hold it in) when I realized that these devices were used to treat a woman's "menstrual cycle". WHAT KIND OF AISLE WAS THIS? I had to get out! I stumbled and ran out of that aisle as fast as I could- the smell of flowers and fragrance that those boxes and bags reeked of was worse that snorting battery acid! How could women put up with those little devilish things? I got as far away as I could from that freaky aisle. The image of the little torpedoes, diapers, and the swirl of colors that had been all around me was burned into my brain forever. Instead, I ran back into the School Supply aisle. I instantly realized that the aisle swam with mortals, and that they would flip out when they saw how disturbed I must have looked. I slid, ever so smoothly, into the next aisle, where I saw a little girl. She was wearing a pink dress and licking a gigantic rainbow-colored lollipop. Harmless. I smiled, a big, toothy smile, approached her, squatted down to her level, and said,

"Hi, my name is Emmett. What's yours?" Hopefully she would do my bidding and get the last necessary supplies for me, so I could remain unseen.

"You're a stranger! I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Get away from me! Mommy! Help! MOMMY!" And what she did next shocked me. She threw her lollipop onto the ground, stepped forward, and kicked me square in my "family jewels"! And for a little kid, she kicked HARD! I was instantly in excruciating pain- I fell to the ground, rolling into fetal position, and whimpered as the pain overtook me in waves.

"Honey?" said a chubby woman in her mid-30's, "What's wrong? What did he do? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER, YOU MONSTER?!" She looked furious! And she was about to call the manager to get me hauled away- I was sure of it! She ran in the other direction, frantically calling out for someone to help her. Good God! I had to get out, and NOW! I crawled, on all fours, to the nearest check-out line. It was the "10 Items or Less" line- I threw my envelope, pens, and the rest of the crap in my cart at the cashier. She looked scared. I moaned out "Plastic" and she quickly threw my goodies into a bag. I grabbed the bag and dashed out of the store- at human pace, because it hurt too much to try to actually run. I heard people shouting, "THERE HE IS!" and "THAT'S HIM!" behind me, so I sucked up my pain at ran at my "normal" speed, leaving the store behind me quickly. But the one thing I forgot to do was to tell Bella I had left. Oh well, she's mildly intelligent, she can figure it out herself. I was heading straight home- I needed ice!

**Bella P.O.V **

I was sure that that blur had been Emmett. What else could have tumbled so gracefully, so perfectly ghostly, and so quickly, into an aisle on a whim? I turned sharply- too sharply- I knocked over some Easy Cheese (And I thought Emmett would be the one knocking down stuff? HA!)- and followed quickly in the direction I had seen the blur go. The aisle was empty. Was I imagining things? I was thoroughly confused now, so I turned around and resumed my shopping. Along with picking up some bread sticks, I also grabbed a case of beer. This would make dinner even more enjoyable! I was heading towards the checkout line when I heard a loud tumbling crashing noise- Emmett! All I saw was what appeared to be a waterfall of water bottles falling to the ground. A ton of bottles- at least 200- fell, bounced, slapped, and rolled all over the floor. A teenage employee ran towards the scene of the accident- I tried to help him clean up as best as I could- he was clumsy like me, and I felt sorry for him. But as soon as he fell over, I heard loud and booming laughter. So he WAS close! I apologized to the employee and rolled my cart as fast as it could go to where I had heard the disturbance. I wheeled around the corner to find... nothing. Nothing? I had heard him! Where was he!! No evidence, no noise, nothing. It was like he had vanished into thin air. I sneaked around to the next aisle, only to once again find nothing. He was slick. He didn't leave any kind of crumb trail for me to follow! When I heard shouting, and saw a mob of angry people running for the exit, I instantly knew where he had gone. I rushed to the checkout line, payed for dinner, and headed straight for my truck. He had gotten away, and was, for some reason, avoiding me at all costs. Of two things I was absolutely sure:

One, Emmett was officially on my enemy list, and I was most likely on his.

And two, dinner tonight was going to be excellent in oh-so many ways.

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I'm going to Indianapolis for a concert tomarrow- yuck! a 14 hour drive! Hope you all liked the chapter! The next one will be about them cooking dinner, how fun! R&R! Sorry about how long it took me to update!


	8. Chapter 7

_"Of two things I was absolutely sure:_

_One, Emmett was officially on my enemy list, and I was most likely on his._

_And two, dinner tonight was going to be excellent in oh-so many ways."_

* * *

**Bella P.O.V.**

My truck roared to life as I slowly slipped the key into the ignition. My mind was racing- full of thoughts about what exactly was going on between Emmett and I. As I was backing out, the realization of what he was planning hit me- I was so suddenly excited that I slammed on my brakes, and just sat in my seat, thinking. My eyes must have been huge! It all made sense now- Emmett wanted revenge! I had beat him at his own game at Best Buy- won the argument, maybe even embarrassed him a little. He seemed too submissive on the way home, but now I understand why he was being so quiet! He was thinking about how to get back at me! He hadn't needed to get "stuff" for him and Rosalie at the store...he needed to purchase other things. Things that, for some reason, he didn't want me to see. And he thought he was being so sneaky, so cunning!

As I thought about it more, a feeling of inferiority and anxiety hit me- would my dinner beat what he was planning to do to me? Edward AND Charlie will be at dinner, so hopefully he won't dare do anything directly in front of me. What he does will have to be shady...something that will catch up with me at a different time, in a different place. But what if he tries to pull me aside some time tonight to get his revenge?! So many questions were bombarding my brain! I was getting honked at by an ostentatious-looking red convertible, so I decided to slowly back out and start on my way back to the Cullen house. They sky darkened, and what had been an overcast day became an about-to-storm mass of huge, black thunderheads. Hopefully this wasn't some kind of foreshadowing? A light drizzle began to fall as I got out onto the main road and headed for the Cullen household. Lightning cracked through the sky, making me jump. Distracting myself from the storm, I began thinking...and something clicked in my head- I could avoid all of Emmett's possible payback tonight! All I had to do was follow a few simple rules...guidelines, tips, whatever:

_1. Go no where alone with Emmett Cullen. Never allow him to take me to destination 2. Because, just like Oprah once said, allowing the robber to take you to destination 2 is giving in, allowing harm to be done to yourself._

I laughed out loud as I realized that I had just compared Emmett to a robber- a rapist, or serial killer, even! He was neither of those things, but a mastermind, none-the-less.

_2. Watch for any and all suspicious action from him. If he looks sneaky, has something strange in his hands, or is spending a lot of time away from me on purpose, nonchalantly question him about it. Or get Edward to._

Dragging Edward into this mess would definitely feel kind of like cheating, so I will leave that as a last resort only.

_3. This coincides with rule one- never leave Edward's sight! _

This was no longer survival, this was WAR. Except right now, I think I have the advantage over the enemy. Man, I need some war paint!

**Emmett P.O.V. **

Nothing comforted me more than relaxing into my favorite recliner, holding a bag of ice on my lower half, and popping in one of my favorite movies, Rush Hour 3. I sat for a good 30 minutes, quoting every line of my movie, holding the ice bag in my lap, relaxing into my leather chair until I heard a car pull into the driveway. Not just any car though- a Volvo. Ugh! Here comes the nagging from my 108-year-old wife, Edwina! I threw the ice bag under the chair, sat up in my recliner, and patiently waited for my hen-pecking brother to come in and start yelling. The door knob turned, and in came Eddie, looking confused. As always.

"Emmett, where is Bella?" Of course, he's worried. Typical, typical. It's like he owns her as a slave or something! Of course, as he read my mind, he got mad at me.

"Emmett, shut up! I'm just concerned as to why she's not with you. She should be here, getting ready for Charlie's arrival, no?" Crap! How was I going to explain everything that just happened without blowing my cover?

"Well, Edward, she forgot the cheese at the store and had to go back. She wanted me to stay here though...to wait for you, to...give you this!" I might be able to pull this off! Think, "Big E", think!

Edward looked confused. His hands darted from my lap, to my hands, to the foot of my chair. Dear Lord! What was I going to give him, that could be from Bella?

"Well," he very slowly said, "what is it? What did she want to give me that you have? What couldn't she wait to give me?"

"THIS!" I improvised.

And I'll admit, it was the weirdest, grossest, most un-manly thing I had ever done to one of my brothers.

I was desperate. And desperate times call for desperate measures! I flew across the room (painfully, I might add) and kissed Edward full on, on the lips. The sequence of events that followed were NOT pleasant. First, after I broke the kiss, Eddie punched me. In the face. Like, Hard! I flew backwards, all the while yelling that the kiss was from Bella, not from me! I tripped over my recliner, and landed face-first onto Esme's just-polished wood flooring. I guess the impact of my fall cracked the wood, because a 5-by-5 piece of flooring cracked and splintered underneath me.

"WHAT" he wiped his mouth, "THE" he made a disgusted face and spit twice, "HELL" uh-oh, Eddie was mad! "EMMETT! You did NOT just do what I think you did!?"

After convincing myself to not go punch him back, for I had to keep my plans low-profile, I thought for a second, then explained. "It was from Bella- chillax, bro! I told her it would be completely disgusting...but...she...told me that I had to do it to foreshadow what she has planned for you tonight! Yeah! It's a secret, though. Don't talk about it to anyone or in front of her. Just follow her to her house after dinner tonight for a...great surprise!" Smooth, very smooth! Yeah, I'm awesome!

"Uhmmm...okay. That was still repulsive, Emmett. I think I might toss my cookies, so to speak. Tonight? And she told you this?" I think I'm out of the frying pan. Just a few more white lies will do the trick.

"Yeah...she did. She's supposedly been planning it for a while now. Don't bring it up in any way- you don't want to embarrass her! On the contrary, I think that you should man up and give her what she wants! Yeah! Hell Yeah! Grow a pair, Eddie!" That hopefully sounded typical of me...maybe he would leave alone, so that I could finish the work I had to do.

"Eww, you pig! I refuse to ever risk hurting her! Stop being so immature, and stop trying to give me advice on my sex life! I'm going to take a shower, try to keep your perverted thoughts at bay or I will force you to." Could he be any more of a drama queen? He stalked up the stairs to take a shower- a cold one, I'm sure- but he suspected nothing. I quickly grabbed my ice and shopping bags and headed into the downstairs bathroom- where I would least be expected. Sitting gingerly in the immaculately clean tub, I put the bag of ice on my lap and got to work. First, I wrote my letter, taking my time to make it sound very eloquent and well-thought out. Next, I enclosed my letter, the photos I had collected and gotten developed earlier, and a small plastic bag containing shards of glass from the broken t.v. inside of my brown envelope. I sealed the envelope and wrote "**TOP SECRET: FOR CHARLIE SWAN'S EYES ONLY" **on the front.

Hobbling out of the bathroom, I hid the envelope under a random pillow on my bed. Dinner would be the calm before the storm for her tonight! I slid back onto my recliner and continued to watch Rush Hour 3.

**Bella P.O.V.**

As I pulled into the Cullen driveway, I rehearsed my rules and prepared myself for what going to take place inside of the house in a matter of hours. I had already decided that I was not going to question Emmett about what had happened or where he had gone earlier today, because, to be quite frank, I'm pretty sure I didn't want to know. Grabbing my two grocery bags, I stepped inside and headed straight for the kitchen. Emmett didn't say a word to me. That was VERY strange. I quietly unloaded my groceries and found a skillet in one of the many unused cabinets. Still being quiet, I set out the chicken breasts, breadcrumbs, eggs, flour, and other ingredients for dinner. As I began to heat up some olive oil in the pan for frying, I began humming made-up tunes. Surely this would provoke Emmett to confront me!

Still, he said nothing. He continued to watch his movie, while I continued to cook.

I only burned myself once while frying the chicken, which I was proud of. Everything was in the oven, so I sat down on the sofa next to Emmett's recliner. We sat in silence. I had a feeling we were going to be eating in silence, too, but it would be much more uncomfortable- for Emmett.

Minutes later, Edward came flying down the stairs. I had missed him so much! I hated that he had to go hunting, but like Checker's**(Rally's) **says, "You gotta eat!"

"Edward!" I exclaimed, skipping to his side. I sighed with relief the moment I was in his arms.

"I missed you too," he laughed. His eyes looked so warm- the color of butterscotch candy. He grabbed my hand and led us to the couch. I glanced at Emmett before sitting down- he was silently watching the television. How unusual- something was definitely up! I rested against Edwards chest, inhaling the heavenly scent that emanated off of him. He smelled even better that usual. I couldn't help myself- I buried my head into his t-shirt and intoxicated myself on purpose, taking in the sweet smell. He was grinning, of course- I guess he couldn't sense _just how good _he smelled. We sat in happy silence, just enjoying each others' presence. I jumped when the oven timer went off- and got very nervous when the doorbell rang simultaneously. Edward suavely walked over to the door, inviting Charlie in.

* * *

Well, in response to a review, my friend and I went to see the American Idols in concert(LAME, I know! But David Cook is just so HOT! We couldn't resist. He's the definition of sexy!) It was fantastic! We had a great time! The car ride was long and excruciating, though. Hope you all liked this chapter- I will try my hardest to get another one in before I leave for Alabama on Saturday!(Going to a house on the beach for a week!) R&R!


	9. AN2 Sorry!

Sorry, once again, for the author's note!

I will be gone(VACATION!!) for a week. Breaking Dawn comes out at midnight tonight, so hopefully you all will enjoy it as much as I will! Fanfiction, and not just mine, for Twilight is going to slow down QUITE a bit due to the new book out- I won't be updating for a week or so, maybe a bit more. The story is only going to have another 2-3 chapters or so, but there will be a sequel! Thanks for reading my story up until now- I'll continue it after vacation. Now, GO READ BD!


	10. Chapter 8

_**A/N:**_

_**Wow guys, so I feel really horrible! I haven't written since the beginning of my school year- since August '08! Please forgive me! I have been so busy, and have been such a slacker! I'm on spring break now, and it seems weird that I haven't written in such a long time. So please accept my apologies for not updating. I can't believe I've postponed this story for so long…but I'm here to finish it! Without further ado, here it is…Chapter 8! Enjoy! More is to come!**_

**Edward P.O.V.**

I could hear Charlie's thought before he had even touched the doorbell. He had been thinking about how awkward dinner might be, and how he would put his foot up my, in his words, "_creamy white ass_", if I showed any affection towards Bella.

"Good Evening, Chief Swan. Please come inside." I said suavely. I gestured that he come inside, and he did. He had brought some sort of triple-fudge ice-cream for dessert. "Would you like me to store that in the freezer, so that it won't melt?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure Edwin…take it." Charlie gruffly said. What he was thinking, though, was "_That better be all you're doing!" _I laughed outwardly, and casually walked into the kitchen to stow the ice-cream.

**Bella P.O.V.**

The chicken was done, and it smelled fantastic. Perfect. It should smell doubly-revolting to Emmett. I poured the pasta into the boiling water and left to go set the table. "Hi, dad! You're right on time. Dinner is almost ready, and I am just setting the table. Why don't you go have a seat with Emmett? He's watching some action flick." I saw Charlie hesitate, and then walk towards the couch. Emmett was looking extremely uncomfortable. As I went to set the table, I saw Emmett begin to talk to Charlie.

**Emmett P.O.V.**

Oh CRAP! I need to finish my evidence bag, and now! How can I ditch Charlie without coming off as rude? He likes baseball right? "Hey Charlie, you like baseball, right?" He sat down, grinned, and said,

"Love it. Is there a game on?" I smiled and handed him the remote control. "I think there is. Here, feel free to look for a game. I need to change clothes," I said. What the old man doesn't know, won't hurt him. I have work to do!

I strode off quietly, so that Bella wouldn't hear me, and flew up the stairs- 4 at a time. I needed to finish my project, and FAST. I went to Rose's and my bed, found my shopping bad, and began to work. The letter was finished- now all I needed to do was insert the pictures and glass fragments. Edward is SO dead! And Bella will never forgive me…how great!

**Edward P.O.V.**

Bella had cooked, to human taste-buds, a great meal. I came back from the kitchen, sat down with Charlie, and tried to make small talk. "So," I began, "How was work, Chief Swan?"

"It's Charlie," he snapped, "and work was fine. Caught some kids your age drinking and smoking out on the reservation. Do you drink or smoke?" Charlie hadn't asked this, he had _demanded_ it. "No sir, I don't."

"Good," he retorted. There was a long pause, where all he physically did was watch the television. He was, however, thinking:

"_He's lying. I can tell. All the kids these days do it. Little Edwin just wants to look innocent so that I don't suspect him. I bet he tries to get Bella to do it. But Bella wouldn't, would she? If I find out that he ever tries to force her to do something, I'LL KICK HIS ASS!"_

Immediately, perhaps a little too quickly, I replied, "My uncle died from lung disease, and he also had an alcoholic liver," I was feverishly making this up as I went. "I'm actually a member of Students Against Drunk Driving at school," I said coolly. But perhaps I was overdoing it...

"_How the HELL did the kid know what I was thinking? Must be a coincidence…" "_Good, Edwin, That's great. It's good to know that I won't be scraping your body off pavement when-," he hesitated, then restarted, "I mean, because you _won't,_ get into a drunk driving accident." He was staring me down, which was slightly intimidating.

"It's Edward, sir," I said quietly.

"Right, Edwin." He replied. 

**Bella P.O.V.**

"Dinner's ready!" I called out. Edward trailed Charlie, who lumbered up to the table. I saw Emmett sneak down the stairs, trying to remain in the shadows, and come slowly to the table. We all sat down in the Cullen's magnificent dining room, and I took the lids off of all of the food.

"This smells great, Bells" Charlie stated. I smiled genuinely, sweetly, even. "Thank you. Edward already ate on the way home, but Emmett and I are just ravished, aren't we Emmett?" His jaw dropped in absolute, pure horror.

"We haven't eaten all day!" I proclaimed, grabbing my stomach for an extra effect. "And I've made Emmett's favorite food…chicken parmesan, with EXTRA cheese and TONS of linguine!"

Emmett turned whiter, if possible, than before.

Vengeance is sweet. No-scratch that-

Vengeance is Italian-flavored.


	11. Chapter 9

**Bella P.O.V.**

There Emmett sat, horror struck.

I knew I looked smug, but I couldn't help it. I grabbed some tongs and began to dish out Charlie's plate.

"Thanks, Bells" he murmured. "You're in luck, Emmett. Bella is a great cook."

Emmett, who looked like a deer in headlights, whimpered an unintelligible response. If vampires could sweat, he would be dripping. I put a chicken breast on a plate for myself, then put the remaining three breasts on Emmett's plate. I made sure to pile at least 2 cups of linguini onto his plate, along with a large salad.

"Enjoy, Emmett! Tell me what you think of the sauce…I added a bit more cheese than usual." I tried to look innocent, but, damn, was I having fun with this! He reluctantly took the plate, staring down at his steamy meal with fearful eyes.

**Emmett P.O.V.**

WHAT

THE

HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

**IS BELLA REALLY DOING THIS**? WHAT? SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY, WHAT DO I DO?

**THINK, EMMETT, THINK!!** FASTER…MUST… THINK… FASTER! HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS????? WITHOUT MAKING CHARLIE SUSPICIOUS? WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO? THIS FOOD LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE CRAP, I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT EAT IT!!!! I tried to eat a sausage once…let's just say, it did not go well… NO WAY, NO WAY IN SATAN'S HELL IS LITTLE VENGEFUL, BRATTISH, BELLA SWAN GOING TO MAKE ME EA-

"Something wrong, Emmett?" Asked Bella, who was wearing a falsely innocent and upset facial expression.

Ha. HA HA HA!!!!!!! 'Something wrong?' Did she REALLY ask that?

"No, I feel fine, Isabella. Thank you for asking, though" I said in a courteous tone. Yeah, everything is fine, alright, I'm just about to eat your DEMONIC chicken crap-a-sean, and have to pretend to enjoy the torturous SLITHERING of "food" down my throat!!!

Edward snorted, smirked, and looked away. I glared at him from across the table. He would pay for this later- for not helping me, for not intervening…for not protecting me from his satanic girlfriend!

I shakily picked up my knife. Bella was watching me, her eyes locked on mine, with hawk-like precision. I stabbed the chicken with my fork, watching the flesh sink and tear as I cut off the most miniscule chunk I could.

Wait a second.

I'M A FREAKING GENIOUS!

I'LL BEAT HER AT HER OWN GAME!

You think you got me, Bella? Do you? DO YOU?

Well, news-flash, honey, YOU DON'T!

"It Smells DE-LISH!" I proclaimed heartily, as I threw the chunk into my mouth and swallowed it whole. Yes, it slithered down my throat, and yes, it tasted disgusting, AND, yes, I would pay for it later. But, oh, so would Bella!

**Bella P.O.V.**

WHAT?

He is supposed to be squirming. Wrapped around my pinkie. At my every wish and command.

"This is FANTASTIC, Bella! Chief Swan is right- you are AMAZING!" He was now staring at me, his beady, black eyes pulsing under the intensity of his gaze.

Edward looked confused, which is odd, because I could tell he was enjoying every minute of Emmett's mental torture a few moments ago.

"He's right, Bells, this is great." Said Charlie, who was eating ravenously.

"It smells delicious, Bella. I'm sorry that I ate earlier…" proclaimed Edward, who gave me his famous, heart-stopping half-smile. I got so lost in his eyes, that I dropped my knife right into the linguine bowl.

"OOPS!" I said quickly, retrieving my knife. I glanced at Emmett, whose eyes were STILL locked on mine. He looked determined. WHAT is up with him? How is he almost done eating? You know, maybe he decided that he had better be on his best behavior, or else he will have to face my wrath later. That MUST be it!

**Emmett P.O.V.**

Ignorant.

Blissful, stupid, and totally-unaware.

These are what I call BA's, or "Bella-Adjectives". The special branch of vocabulary that can be used to describe her Bambi-like obliviousness. I downed the rest of the slimy linguine and pungent green leaves (covered in sour oil, or whatever she calls "vinaigrette"), smiling the entire time.

"Well! Edward, do you mind clearing the table? I need to make dessert!"

Bella dropped her knife, AGAIN, the klutz, and stared me dead in the face. "WHAT?" She said, a little too loudly, as the panic became evident on her face.

"You can cook?' Asked Charlie. "Hmm", he contemplated, "I wouldn't have thought you the...culinary type."

"Didn't you know, Chief Swan, that I went to Le Cordon Bleu Culinary School?" I flashed him an innocent smile. Total B.S., but what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Charlie looked caught off-guard, and flustered. "Well, no I didn't…" He mumbled.

Edward looked confused, suspicious, and slightly angry.

Bella was paralyzed with fear.

I got up in a hurry, towards the freezer, to get the ice cream ready.

"We'll be having Dark-chocolate ice-cream with a bittersweet ganache topping for dessert, everyone. It's my specialty!" I roared.

I slyly put my hand in my pocket, retrieving the bottle I had taken from Carlisle's medical supply. It read:

"X-LAX: TO RELIEVE YOUR WORST CONSTIPATION... Now chocolate flavored!"

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.


End file.
